ONLY THE TRUTH WILL SET US FREE!

Only the truth will set us free.  No man is going to help us if we don't start learning to protect ourselves.  Love self first, and love all others after.   If, as women, we continue hiding the abuse once it started, then we are as much our own upholder of abuse.  One thing is for sure; once the abusing started, the women are the first ones to try ways and means to make the relationship work.  We're always thinking she is going to make this bad relationship work.  Most of us women thought to ourselves, if we give our men the best sex in the world, make the sweetest desirous love, prepare our men the most delicious meals, wash and iron their clothes, keep them fed and clean, our men won't abuse us.  What fools we are to ourselves, bearing such unwise thoughts.  An abuser is an abuser, if he's someone inclined that way.  From the moment we women entered into these insecure, destructive, relationships, we instantly forget about ourselves as we took on these men's insecurities.  We, not the men, told ourselves that the men will change their bad habits, become someone they can't be, or don't want to be in order to please us.  It is us, the women, told ourselves that we're going to change our men.  We are the ones who want the men to change in order that they will love us more.  A man will only change if he wants to change, or if he cares enough about the woman he's with and his family, meaning, if there are children within the relationship and he truly loves his children.  As women, or as mothers, and as carers or what ever our roles are.  We should start relating more to the younger generations of young women about relationships.  If we continue to live our lives in denial and false pretence regarding our abuses, then we're not doing anything to protect our daughter, or the next generations growing up. It is our duty as mothers, or guardians to inform them on certain issues.  We should let them be aware of what could happen before they have to experience it the hard way. As women, we want to start to learn how to love ourselves more.  If we love ourselves enough, we wouldn't need a man to tell us how much he loves us.  If we love ourselves, we would be more confident within ourselves.   Most men don't really love themselves, therefore, how can they really love us?   However, if we were better informed, or educated in advance about domestic violence, maybe be as women, we wouldn't be so quick to live with someone.  In other words, we would think twice before we jump into relationship. If we were preparing for these things, if, or once the abuse started, we would be able to protect ourselves more.   We could plan quickly, or in advance, depending on the situation.  We would soon find ways and means or whatever necessary to protect ourselves and our children once the abuse begun.  No woman in her right mind wants to be abused either physically, or mentally.  Sometimes there are circumstances which cause some women to remain living into an abusive situation.  African, Caribbean, West Indian women endure an awful lot of abuse, due to pride.  Most of us put up with so much, take so much in our stride and will not speak out against our abusers because of shame.  We prefer to live in denial than to admit that our men are abusing us.   We’re the great pretenders.  We often stay in this bad relationship because we get so acclimatized to the abuse.  Our abusers assure us that, if or when they’re finish with us, no one will want us.  We got so accustomed to hearing this, that we believe them.    Our self esteem becomes all time low, we have no confidence in ourselves; the long-term effect they have on us, is something we have to deal with.  Sometimes we do not understand why we stay with someone that is abusing us, except we convince and tell ourselves that we love the person.   By living in these kind of relationship, we develop all kinds of doubts, fears, and negative thoughts about ourselves, instead of, getting the courage to say enough, is enough, I am getting the hell out of here.  We ought to know when to let get rid of these things that are no good for us and are causing us too much mental stress.  Whilst we stay in these relationships, we are the ones that are catching hell, trying to make the godforsaken bad situation look good.  When we are living with someone for quite a long time, sometimes it is difficult to pinpoint exactly from when, or where, and how the first act of abuse starts.  In some cases, it takes one to start the abusing, and the other to finish.  Some men start by bashing their women because he said she was nagging him, and he can’t deal with her nagging.  Their behavior seemed to me as though they have the right to do exactly what ever they please.  Most men feel it is not their place to help around the house.  The women might start of by talking to the man about him not helping.  The man, or men, might see that as being too nagging about those things.  Even those simple things could cause some men to start hitting their women about.  As the argument develops, the man snaps, and all hell is let loose.  Being the man, he feels he’s the boss, and thinks I’ve got to shut this woman up.  So, some forms of abusing start off that way.   And these are just a few examples.   The abuser might start with just a slap to the face, or a push and a punch.  The woman argues she cries, and in a little while, she forgives.  The man tells or assures her he won’t that to her again.  Of course we always believe them when they say they won’t hit us again.  Once we continue to forgive them, sooner than later, the abusing gets out of control.  The abuser becomes very confident in their action; they knew they will be forgiven.  And so, by him being forgiven all the time, abusing becomes another one of his hobbies.  Once we continue allowing anyone to abuse us, the abuser thinks it is ok for them to carry on doing so.  We allow them to abuse us, because we gave them the impression that we love them more than we love ourselves.  By living with abuse for a long time, sometimes the abusing got so bad that we become depressed, or helpless that sometimes we’re not being able to help ourselves out of the situation.  Whenever the situation got to these stages, the woman feels she can no longer cope with life, she snaps, decides to take her own life. The thought of jumping from some high building might enter her mind as a quick way out of her ordeal.  Some women jump to their deaths, some end up being disabled for the rest of their lives, some have to live on medication and suffer years of depression.  Some people spend a long time being hospitalized, recovering from their injuries, some people suffers mental breakdown.  Those of us that jumped from a building are lucky to survive and are living with serious disabilities.  Some women have to run away from home, leaving or taking the children with them, most of them have to find refuge into battered women’s home, with the children.  Very often, women do not know what to do about the person abusing them.  We sometimes stay so long with our abusers that at times it seems the world turns its back on us leaving us to do or die in the situation.  Whenever someone is in such a situation, they feel hurt, ashamed and badly let down.  In many cases, they often blame themselves for staying in the relationship.  Instead of blaming the person that is abusing them, or us, where women often go wrong, when we meet the man, or men we foolishly fell for, we instantly forget that a man is a human being like ourselves and he has his own insecurities.  Just like us, he is not perfect or Mr. Superman.  He may have developed his good and his bad ways from past generations.  He and he alone can change his bad ways if he chooses to change.  The very first time we met and went out with the man of our heart’s desire, we met him with his good points and his bad faults.  We saw from day one he had some funny ways, which at the time, were not quite what we’re looking for.  But, we turned a blind eye whilst telling ourselves, he’s really not that bad, and he will change when he get to know me better.  “No, no, no.”   We’re fooling ourselves to think he was going to change just for our sake.  No one will change from what they’re doing if they do not want to change.  Of course, why should our men have to change if only to please us?  After all, it is us women who need to change the way we accept, or think about the men that we took into our lives.  First of all, we love too much; we love too easily and too quickly.  When men told us they love us, we took it seriously, and we genuinely believed them.  We often took it for granted that they really loved us as much as they told us they do.  Once we give into going into a relationship with them, they became confident we loved them and trusted them; they don’t have to work hard at the relationship.  They left it to the women, they knew we wanted it to work more than they do, if not for themselves, but for the sake of the children if there are children within the relationship.  Some of the foolishness women do, we will quickly put our men on a pedestal, we always want ourselves feel we have this special man.  Our men will soon know that we love them, more than we love our ourselves.  When a woman feels that way about her man, or her husband, she will do just about anything to try to please her man, or in order to keep him.  “Oh, we poor weak, naïve, foolish females.    Little do we know, we can never give some men enough of ourselves. The more we give, is the more some want.”  I often wonder why we think we can ever satisfy a person who can’t be satisfied.   We women need our heads tested.  When we meet men, we forget, they are not our fathers, they are not our brothers, and they are not our sons.  They are wild strangers we don’t know.  They are strangers we might fall in love with one day, or might even spend the rest of our lives with.  First and foremost, we do not know the nature of these men.  The way they were brought up, their family background or their way of life.  We do not know anything about these men except that we are falling in love with them on face value. Too often we accept them because they told us they love us and so we went on and fell madly in love with what we thought were going to be our Mr. Right.  Of course, we’re going to make him our Mr. Right.  Our Mr. Superman.  Our Mr. Perfect.  We took this big gamble on ourselves, by going into the unknown with them. Later in the relationship, the least mistake the man thought we have made,   Mr. Perfect, resurrected his ugly ways, which we’d seen the very first time we met him, but told ourselves, we’re going to change him. Sooner or later, all hell is let loose.  Any woman or person who has never experienced domestic violence, whether mentally or physically, cannot possible has full understanding of what I am saying.  No matter how hard we try to explain or express the impact that the after effect of domestic violence leaves on one’s mind or body, only the person who has experienced it can truly understand the impact.  When the person you thought you loved and trusted with your life abused you to the point where you ended up throwing yourself off a building that is not love.  It only goes to show that person had enough and couldn’t take any more.  They are, or were, at the end of their tether.   It is time for us to stop accepting these situations.  We must stop thinking it is love that is keeping us in these bad relationship.  Instead, we must begin to stand up and do something constructive for the betterment of self.  We should not, if necessary, add any more misery to our miserable situation.  Vote for life and self.   

By MerandaMaud © 03/04/2006